Star Craft Interviews
by Hyper Guyver
Summary: Follow along as I interview all of the starcraft members and characters. Zaas interview now up. Please R&R.
1. Kerrigan

Disclaimer: I do not hold the right to any blizzard characters, terms, or situations. I also do not hold the right to celebrity names or companies or blah, blah, blah, blah, Blah! And all that other crap needed to keep my ass from being sued.  
  
Welcome readers to the Hyper Guyver interviews. Our new series will revolve around the ever-popular Star Craft characters; today's guest is the ever- illustrious character… uh… hold on a second… (Shuffles through papers)… KERRIGAN?! Ah, Crap! (sigh) Maybe this time she won't send an Ultralisk after me.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… Welcome Kerrigan… how are you today?  
  
Kerrigan: Silence! The Queen of Zerg will only be spoken to when she speaks to them first!  
  
Hyper Guyver: But am giving the interview!  
  
Kerrigan: Oh, uh… silly me.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So… why don't we talk about your child hood first…  
  
Kerrigan: All right then, well, when it was found that I had immense psychic potential I was kidnapped and rigorously trained to be a ghost operative.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow that must have been tough.  
  
Kerrigan: Yeah, the toughest part was all the training to get me to see into the future, the commander in charge had a thing about the lottery.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So how did that go?  
  
Kerrigan: Not good, I couldn't see into the future and the commander went broke from spending all his money on lottery tickets.  
  
Hyper Guyver: what happened next?  
  
Kerrigan: Well, I was later rescued from the Confederates by Arcturus Mengsk; so instead of mindlessly killing people for a corrupt government, I was mindlessly killing people for a corrupt political fanatic.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Makes sense.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So… What is it like being queen of the Zerg?  
  
Kerrigan: Very glamorous, I'm served on hand, foot and claw. Billions of loyal servants to do my bidding, and I lack in nothing.  
  
Hyper Guyver: There's no down side?  
  
Kerrigan: Well… uh… maybe one thing little thing…  
  
Hyper Guyver: What?  
  
Kerrigan: Well… I… I…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well What?!  
  
Kerrigan: OH GOD I NEED A MAN!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Gulp) huh?  
  
Kerrigan: Since I've become the queen of the Zerg, I haven't had sex at all!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh, uh… that's interesting…  
  
Kerrigan: I mean come on! It's been nearly TWO YEARS!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… moving along…  
  
Kerrigan: I think I'm almost about ready to burst! I mean… say… how old are you?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… Why?  
  
Kerrigan: Nothing… (Her bone wings begin to flicker)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Gulp)  
  
Kerrigan: Oh, come on, you have to be somewhere between 15 to 20, I am right.  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh…  
  
Kerrigan: Come on…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Where Jim Raynor when you need him!  
  
Kerrigan: Jim?  
  
Kerrigan: Jimmy! That's it! Excuse me one moment…  
  
(Kerrigan pulls out a cell phone and starts dialing, Kerrigan starts talking in a giddy girly tone)  
  
Kerrigan: Hi Jimmy! How's it going? Tee hee hee…  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh… Kerrigan?  
  
Kerrigan: Shhh! Yeah, Jimmy, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh…  
  
Kerrigan: Yeah Jimmy, I really need it… Yeah, BAD! Okay, see you then!  
  
(Kerrigan goes back to serious tone)  
  
Kerrigan: Okay lets get this over with, I got places to be and someone to do.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… well I guess there really isn't that much left to ask you… oh, I found the rest of my questions.  
  
Kerrigan: I tire of you! Hydralisk! (Fingers snap)  
  
(Hydralisk pop out)  
  
Hydralisk: Rrwwaahh…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ah, Crap. Here we go again… Can I at least have a head start this time?  
  
Kerrigan: Very well…  
  
(Hyper Guyver takes off down the hall)  
  
Hydralisk: RRRRWWWWAAAAHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Stay tuned… huff, huff, huff… until next time… huff, huff, huff… when I interview Arcturus Mengsk…. Huff, huff, huff, huff…  
  
Hydralisk: CHOMP!  
  
Hyper Guyver: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! MY ASS!!! Until next time… huff, huff, huff… good day and Good night!  
  
Hydralisk: CHOMP!  
  
Hyper Guyver: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WHY THE ASS?!!!! 


	2. Mengsk

Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Star Craft or any of its characters. I am merely using it in a comedic manner. And all that other stuff I said in the first chapter.  
  
You asked for it… You begged for it… You sent me threatening letters demanding for it… Now here it is, my next interview for my new Star Craft series… enjoy.  
  
Welcome, I am Hyper Guyver, and welcome to the Hyper Guyver interviews. Follow me today as I continue to interview characters of the Star Craft game. Today's guest, visiting us is the notorious Arcturus Mengsk.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Arcturus, I hope your trip from your "Terrain Dominion" was pleasant.  
  
Arcturus: Fine, thank you. And by the way, I could here the sarcasm in your voice as you said "Terrain Dominion."  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really… (Eye Roll)  
  
Arcturus: Yes…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, I guess we might as well get started… So, where to begin?  
  
Arcturus: Well, it all started way back when, when I was a young confederate prospector in the good old days of Korhal…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right… Korhal had good old days…  
  
Arcturus: It did, back before the obliteration from the confederates… after that it was a decaying perverted wasteland filled with violence and confederate hatred.  
  
Hyper Guyver: says here that Korhal was a perverted tropic paradise filled with violence and confederate hatred.  
  
Arcturus: Uh… well… uh… Well, no society is perfect… but we managed well…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Eye roll again)  
  
Arcturus: I saw that.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I know.  
  
Arcturus: Moving along… After that I started up the Sons of Korhal. There we made our point clear to dislodge the Confederates from power.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… says here you couldn't even get past airport's security with a sharp stick… in fact if it weren't for Raynor you'd still be sucking down scotch outside the colonial territories.  
  
Arcturus: I resent that! I strictly drink only whisky.  
  
Hyper Guyver:…  
  
Arcturus: Uh… could I have a minute?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… okay.  
  
(Arcturus steps out into the bathroom, few minutes later smoke starts comes out.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sniff, sniff) Aw crap, not another pothead. (Sigh) I promised myself I wouldn't interview another one of them after the "Robert Downey Jr. incident."  
  
(Arcturus steps out of bathroom looking refreshed.)  
  
Arcturus: Aw… now where were we?  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh, so what happened after that?  
  
Arcturus: Well, I valiantly fought against the confederacy and in my finial glorious hour I brought them down.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Says here you left your right hand woman Kerrigan to get the Zerg to do it, and then left her there to be killed by them. In fact in my last interview Kerrigan wanted me to give you this. (Hands Arcturus a big brown box)  
  
Arcturus: (opens box) DEAR GOD! DUKE! That Bitch chopped off his head!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, that would defiantly explain why my rooms been smelling so bad… Uh, So we where talking about how you left your right hand woman Kerrigan to make the Zerg destroy the confederacy, and then left her there to be killed by them.  
  
Arcturus: (Tosses head off to the side) Technicalities, technicalities… besides, if you have all those notes, why do you need to talk to me?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Because they pay me to.  
  
Arcturus: They pay you?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, not so much pay me… as threaten to beat the almighty hell out of me if I don't.  
  
Arcturus: Hee, hee, hee.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Moving right along… how does your new government work?  
  
Arcturus: Hee, hee, hee, hee…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Arcturus?  
  
Arcturus: Hee, hee, hee, hee.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Why are they always stones? At least he didn't puke on the carpet like Robert Downey Jr…  
  
(Suddenly Arcturus pukes.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Aw shit! My mom going to kill me for this one!  
  
Arcturus: Hee, hee, hee, I don't feel so good, hee, hee, hee.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Grabs mop and begins cleaning) Well, I guess that's it for this interview (Whispers "Thank god…")  
  
But stay tuned next time when I interview Tassadar.  
  
Arcturus: Hee, hee, hee…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Smacks Arcturus in head with mop) Uh… Good day and good night.  
  
Arcturus: Uh… my… head hurts… Hee, hee, hee…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Knocks out Arcturus with Mop)  
  
  
  
I know this one isn't as good, but I promise my Tasssadar interview will be much better. 


	3. Tassadar

Disclaimer: Jesus Christ! Do I have to write a disclaimer for everyone of these god damn chapters?! (Sigh) Fine, I do not own the rights to Star Craft or any Blizzard characters. And all that other blah, blah, blah… Happy?  
  
Welcome once more, readers to the Hyper Guyver Interviews. We continue on my quest to interview all the Star Craft characters, or die trying! (Uh… scratch the "or die trying"…) But I will continue to on my interviews to make you laugh or die trying! (Damn it, there I go again with the "or die trying" thing…) But anyways, last time I interviewed Arcturus Mengsk. (Still trying to get the puke out of the carpet…) and this time I'm continuing on with the Protoss hero, Tassadar.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome Tassadar  
  
Tassadar: Thank you Hyper Guyver.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I hope your trip here was pleasant… Hey wait a minute…  
  
Tassadar: Huh?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Shouldn't you be dead?  
  
Tassadar: Uh… well… Uh, Yes! I am… Boooooooo… boooooooo… I'm the ghost of Tassadar…. Boooooooooo…. Boooooooo….  
  
Hyper Guyver: Cut the crap.  
  
Tassadar: (Sigh) Find…  
  
Hyper Guyver: What was that all about?  
  
Tassadar: Well when Blizzard and I where working out contracts for the expansion pack; this was before the Protoss campaign was finished…  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh huh…  
  
Tassadar: Well, somewhere down the line there was a fight over my pay for doing the expansion, and I ended up telling the executive producer where he could shove it… and may have made a comment or two about his sexual reference…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh boy…  
  
Tassadar: Yep, so they finished off the ending of the Protoss campaign with me getting killed… (Grumbles… "bastards"…).  
  
Hyper Guyver: okay… moving along… when did you first become a Protoss High Templar?  
  
Tassadar: Well, when I was a young templar of a hundred, I decided to join the High Templar caste. Sadly I though it would be a great way to meet women…  
  
Hyper Guyver: That didn't go so well?  
  
Tassadar: Nope, Not after Aldaris became a High Templar, women wouldn't even look at a High Templar after that.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ew, that must have made a bad mental image.  
  
Tassadar: Yeah, it even got worse when Aldaris was found wearing a dress that one time…  
  
Hyper Guyver: I did not need THAT mental image.  
  
Tassadar: Sorry.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So… what's with the ghost thing? If you didn't actually die, what's the point of making people think you did?  
  
Tassadar: Well, it was just easier than dealing with all those computer geek fans and all those other losers that think I'm some sort of god.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm…  
  
(Artanis suddenly comes in)  
  
Artanis: Hey Hyper Guyver, I wanted to ask you about the time you scheduled for my interview… OH MY GOD! THE MIGHTY TASSADAR!!!  
  
Tassadar: Oh shit, here we go again…  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh… Artanis, now is not the ti-…  
  
Artanis: (Starts bowing) I'M NOT WORTHY! I'M NOT WORTHY!  
  
Tassadar: CUT THE CRAP YOU LITTLE PRICK!  
  
Artanis: Uh, sorry…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Artanis, now is not the time…  
  
Artanis: Uh, Tassadar, sir, master, my liege…  
  
Tassadar: What?!  
  
Artanis: Uh, could you autograph my daybook planner?  
  
Tassadar: Why don't you $@#%^&* off?  
  
Artanis: OH MY GOD! THE MIGHT TASSADAR JUST TOLD ME TO $&@#%^* OFF! THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!  
  
Tassadar: (Sigh)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Artanis, do you mind? I'm in the middle of an interview? This is very important work…  
  
Artanis: Important work? You're doing the interview in you kitchen.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Hey Artanis, isn't that Fenix down the street?  
  
Artanis: REALLY?! Maybe I can get him to sigh my underwear!  
  
(Artanis takes off down the street)  
  
Tassadar: Quick, lets get this over with; I don't know how long that will keep him distracted.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right… lets see here (shuffles through papers)… Uh, here we go! Uh, will you ever make an appearance in Star Craft 2?  
  
Tassadar: (Looks through window) Oh shit! Artanis is making his way back here, got to go!  
  
(Tassadar runs out through the back door)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wait! You didn't answer my question! (Sigh) Better lock the door before Artanis gets back…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (closes door and locks it) Well it looks like this interview is over…  
  
Artanis: (starts banging on the door) Hello? Tassadar, are you there?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, stay tuned next time when I interview Jim Raynor…  
  
Artantis: (Bangs harder) Tassadar? Hyper Guyver? I know your there…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Until next time, good day and good night…  
  
Artanis: (Bangs even harder) Come on, I know your there!  
  
(Hyper Guyver picks up phone and starts dialing)  
  
Artanis: Come on! Let me in!  
  
Hyper Guyver:… Hello? 9-1-1?… 


	4. Raynor

Disclaimer: (Yawn) okay, lets see here… disclaimer… disclaimer… ah, here we go "Disclaimer…" I do not own the rights to Star Craft, any blizzard characters or themes. All other stuff is most likely my own and no one else's… I think… yeah, I'm pretty sure…  
  
Welcome once again readers to the Star Craft Interviews. I, Hyper Guyver am once again bringing you hilarious interviews of your favorite Star Craft characters. Today's guest is the human hero of the day, Jim Raynor. So lets get started… wait, where's Raynor? That's strange… he's almost twenty minutes late… Jeeze, does he think I don't have any thing better to do with my time? … Wait… I don't have anything better to do… Oh, well…  
  
(Ten minutes later.)  
  
Jim: Hey man… sorry I'm late…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Jim! Where the hell where you… GOOD LORD! What happened to you?!  
  
Jim: (sigh) I'd rather not talk about it…  
  
Hyper Guyver: You look horrible… please tell me what happened.  
  
Jim: (Groan) uh, well… (sigh) I just can't take it anymore…  
  
Hyper Guyver: huh?  
  
Jim: I… I just can't! I'm starting to loose it!  
  
Hyper Guyver: What? Is it something to do with work?  
  
Jim: No… no… I just can't it anymore…  
  
Hyper Guyver: TAKE WHAT ANYMORE?!!!  
  
Jim: Kerrigan! Ever since a couple of weeks ago, she's been calling me non- stop, begging for it!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh…  
  
Jim: I mean… at first it was kind of great, but then she started calling me everyday. I couldn't go a day without one of the ensigns bringing me a call from at some point in the day… begging… demanding it! I just can't take it anymore!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Calm down Jim… it all right.  
  
Jim: I just can't get any rest. She's like an animal; she just can't get enough "Jimmy loving…"  
  
Hyper Guyver: "Jimmy loving?"  
  
Jim: Shut up!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, okay… Jeeze…  
  
Jim: I mean… WHO THE HELL GAVE HER THE IDEA TO CALL ME?!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… I have no idea… (Eye roll)  
  
Jim: She calls me all the time! At work, at home, during vacation, while I'm shopping.... I haven't slept… I mean the actual term; meaning to sleep… in almost two days.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Man, that's got to be rough.  
  
Jim: yeah… in fact…  
  
(Suddenly Jims cell phone begins to ring.)  
  
Jim: No, no… not again… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
(Hyper Guyver turns to camera)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh… better go to a commercial…  
  
  
  
T.V. commercial announcer: Getting tired of those pesky Zerg, clawing away your flesh? Tired of them burrowing under your house as you get ready for bed? And do you get tired of them blowing up your command center mid- summer? Well now you don't have to worry, with "ZERG BE GONE" you won't have to worry about those pesky Zerg anymore!  
  
Announcer: As I'll demonstrate on this test subject here… a few squirts of ZERG BE GONE will keep those darn flesh eating varmints away…  
  
(Announcer squirts ZERG BE GONE on test subject)  
  
Test Subject: (Covers eyes) OH GOD! IT BURNS! IT BBBUUURRRNSSS!!!  
  
Announcer: Uh…  
  
(Couple minutes later)  
  
Announcer: Uh… There! See? no problem…  
  
(Test subject wanders around aimlessly)  
  
Test Subject: No problem?! I can't see!!  
  
Announcer: uh… moving along. To demonstrate the power of ZERG BE GONE we will let loose a live Zerg…  
  
Test Subject: Live Zerg?! You never said there was going to be live Zerg!!!  
  
Announcer: Well… we said a lot of things…  
  
(Everyone except test subject walks into bulletproof glass booth.)  
  
Announcer: Okay, let it loose!  
  
(Small test door opens, Zergling comes out)  
  
Zergling: Rwwaahhhhh…  
  
Test Subject: Wait… what was that's noise?  
  
Announcer: nothing…  
  
Zergling: RRRRWWWWAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
Test Subject: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: As you can see the ZERG BE GONE keeps the zergling… at… bay…  
  
Test Subject: Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! My leg! MY LEG!!!!  
  
Announcer: Uh… well, remember to stay tuned as we work the kinks out of ZERG BE GONE!  
  
Test Subject: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: (gulp)  
  
  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome back, now that Jim here has settled down…  
  
(Jim breathing into paper bag)  
  
Hyper Guyver: You okay there Jim?  
  
Jim: huff, huff, yeah, I'm fine.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hold on a second… No Kerrigan, no he's not here… yeah, sure… I'll tell him you called… no, I really wouldn't be interested in that… Okay, goodbye… goodbye… GOODBYE!  
  
(Hyper Guyver hangs up cell phone)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay… where were we…  
  
Jim: uh…  
  
(Zergling starts tapping on window)  
  
Jim: Damn! She found me. (Sigh) Here we go again…  
  
Hyper Guyver: (salutes Jim) May god have mercy on your soul…  
  
Jim: Gee, thanks… (Eye roll)  
  
(Jim steps outside to follow the Zerg)  
  
  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well that was a loud of crap! I didn't even get a chance to ask him a single damn question! (Sigh) My interview with Fenix better go better than this…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well until next time… May god have mercy on Jim Raynor… or at least Kerrigan have mercy on him… Good day and good night. 


	5. Fenix

Disclaimer: You all know the routine… I say, "I don't own the right to Star Craft and that I don't own any blizzard themes" Then you don't bother to read the disclaimer and you move straight to the story… (Your lose…)  
  
Hey readers! Hyper Guyver again. Because you all sent be such great supporting reviews. I'm bringing you another interview. But I would have wrote another even if you did flame me… I say this just to implicate one certain reader who reviewed my second chapter and said it sucked (even if he/she was right…). But anyway… sorry I haven't updated in a while, been so busy with Final Exams I haven't been able to get anything done. But now they're finally over, and school is out (one year down, three to go). But anyway on to the story…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey everyone! Here today is the Protoss worrier…Praetor Fenix!  
  
Fenix: Hello Hyper Guyver.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello, well… lets get started… for starters… WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ALIVE?! And… and… are you in your zealot form?!  
  
Fenix: Oh… uh… yeah, about that… you see… back in the first Star Craft… I didn't actually get killed.  
  
Hyper Guyver: You didn't? Then why did you need the Dragoon body?  
  
Fenix: Uh… Well… I… I…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well?  
  
Fenix: I… I just don't like walking.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh?  
  
Fenix: I faked getting killed in the first game so I could ride around in a Dragoon body.  
  
Hyper Guyver: That's pretty pathetic…  
  
Fenix: I know, but it also explains why I'm still alive. When Kerrigan's forces attacked me, it just destroyed the dragoon body.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, what did you do next?  
  
Fenix: The only respectable thing a Protoss worrier could do… I said the line from that car repair commercial "Uh oh, better get Maico!"  
  
Hyper Guyver:…  
  
Fenix: Uh… anyways… What else do you want to know?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, Uh… Do I dare ask about your plans for the future?  
  
Fenix: You want to know?  
  
Hyper Guyver: The way these interviews have been going, I think I'll have to say no.  
  
Fenix: Oh well… I'm going to tell you anyways.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh… Joy… (Eye roll)  
  
Fenix: Since I've been killed, they don't need me in the Star Craft series. So I think I'll take of travel tour around the world.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? Finally a NORMAL, civilized answer-  
  
Fenix: Yep, A tour around the world to have sex with a women from every single country.  
  
Hyper Guyver: I stand corrected...  
  
Fenix: I think I'll start with… Italy… Mmmmh… Italians…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh… dear… god…  
  
Fenix:…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Fenix…  
  
Fenix:…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Fenix?  
  
Fenix:…  
  
Hyper Guyver: FENIX!  
  
Fenix: Huh? Oh sorry I was in my little fantasy world again…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Please for the love of god, don't mention Italians ever again.  
  
Fenix: Italians… (drooooooooooooooooooooooooooool)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Damn, I'm starting to think Kerrigan picked the wrong guy to be her little sex toy.  
  
Fenix:(droooooooooooooooooooooool) Huh? Kerrigan? Damn! That's one hot number…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh god…  
  
Fenix: Mmmmmh Kerrigan… (droooooooooool)  
  
Hyper Guyver: W-wait… how the hell can you be drooling? You don't even have a mouth!  
  
Fenix: Uh… I don't know. You're the one who's writing this thing…  
  
Hyper Guyver: I am? DAMN! Lets see here… delete button… delete button…  
  
Fenix: So don't blame me for you're inability to write a coherent story….  
  
Hyper Guyver: SHUT UP!  
  
Fenix: So anyways… When I get to Italy I'm going to-  
  
Hyper Guyver: Stop! Stop! STOP! Fenix… let me make this very clear to you… THIS IS NOT NC-17!!!!  
  
Fenix: Oh… uh… Sorry… heh… heh…  
  
Hyper Guyver: Jeeze… Don't you think or do anything else other than sex?  
  
Fenix: I used to hang out with Raynor, but since he's become Kerrigan's little plaything (Lucky bastard) I don't have anything else to do.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Fine… well I guess that's it… Stay tuned next time when I interview Edmund Duke. So… Until next time, good day and good-  
  
Fenix: Mmmmmmh Italians….  
  
Hyper Guyver: STOP THAT! Anyways good day and good night!  
  
Fenix: Mmmmmmh… I think I'll go start that world tour…  
  
(Fenix rushes out the door)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Shudder) This is going to be a loooooooooong week…  
  
Note to Book-Master: Sorry to say… But I prefer not to merge our stories. I'm okay with you using characters I've already interviewed and using the fact that I've interviewed them as part of your story but other than that I rather keep my story my own. 


	6. Duke

Disclaimer: Okay, enough of this crap. I've written a disclaimer for every one of these god-forsaken chapters. Enough.... P.S. I do not own the rights to Star Craft. Blah blah blah and some other shit.  
  
My fellow readers. it has come. the day you have long waited. I have. Updated! (Crowd applauses) I apologize for the lateness of this chapter, but with the problems with Fanfiction.net I have obviously been delayed. But that's not what you clicked on my story for is it? NO! You want (hopefully) hilarious stories to make you laugh so hard you puke (ewwwww..). But anyway. here it is. THE DUKE INTERVIEW!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome again readers to the Hyper Guyver interviews, today's guest is the stick up the ass himself. General Edmund Duke.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello Duke how's it going?  
  
Duke: Well a lot better now that the Medic reattached my head. (Duke scratches at the stitches in around his neck)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah, well I guess that's what you get for pissing off Kerrigan.  
  
Duke: THAT STUPID BITCH!! NO ONE TELLS ME WHAT TO DO!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? What did she tell you to do?  
  
Duke: That stupid bitch was still looking for someone to do the hockey pokey with and when she came to me she said she was desperate.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ewwwwww.  
  
Duke: That's right, she's sick isn't she.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Damn straight, I mean. who in their right mind would come to you?  
  
Duke: Yeah. wait a minute. did you just insult me?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well. Yeah, this is MY story.  
  
Duke: Now you listen here you little punk. I don't take crap from nobody-  
  
Hyper Guyver: Except for maniacal Zerg Queens who are looking to get some action.  
  
Duke: Shut up! Who the hell do you think you are?  
  
  
  
Hyper Guyver: The most powerful being in this little fantasy world.  
  
Duke: Oh yeah? Who?  
  
Hyper Guyver: I. am. THE AUTHOR.  
  
Duke: Huh?  
  
Hyper Guyver: What do you mean, huh? I'm the Author, you know the person who rights these stories.  
  
Duke: Is that supposed to scare me?  
  
Hyper Guyver: I'll answerer that in a second. (Hyper Guyver pulls out a keyboard and begins to type)  
  
Seconds Later.  
  
Duke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE BOOBS!! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ME?!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Just a little show of what I can really do.  
  
Duke: Change me back boy or I swear to God I'll.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh yeah, just hold on a second. (Hyper Guyver begins to type again) Uh. You may want to look in the bathroom.  
  
Duke:? (Duke gets up and heads to the back room)  
  
Seconds Later.  
  
Duke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Duke: MY BOYS. MY BEAUTIFUL BOYS. YOU BASTARD. I'M. I'M A WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^  
  
Duke: YOU BASTARD!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow. this must be what god feels like when he smites people.  
  
(Duke begins to cry pathetically)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Fine Duke. I'll change it back. But only if you shut up!  
  
Duke: Fine, fine, just change it back! I'm nothing without Little Dukey.  
  
Hyper Guyver:. Little. Dukey.  
  
Duke: Just change it back!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Fine. (Hyper Guyver types into the keyboard once more.)  
  
Duke: Oh Thank Go- Hey wait a minute! It so small! I can hardly see it!  
  
Hyper Guyver: You said LITTLE Dukey. Take it or leave it.  
  
Duke: (Grumbles) Fine. Now what about this interview.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Finally... First question. Is it true your family is a direct dissention from the original three ships to crash in the Koprulu Sector?  
  
  
  
Duke: Yes it is indeed, But of course bing a descendent of such a noble bread does come with its down sides.  
  
Hyper Guyver: You mean like the fact that your so-called Noble bread descends from a ship full of criminals and perverts.  
  
Duke: (Fake cough) Uh. like that.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Yeah. Well, next question.  
  
(Loud Banging at the door)  
  
Kerrigan: Duke! I know you're in there! Come out now!  
  
Duke: Oh shit, she's come back to get me! I got to get out of here!  
  
  
  
(Duke jumps out the back door)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Why does everybody keep doing that.  
  
(Kerrigan breaks through the door)  
  
Kerrigan: Alright where is he?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) That way. (Points to back door)  
  
Kerrigan: Reject me will he. (Stalks out the back door)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) Well. wait until next time when I interview (personally my favorite) Zeratul. But until then, good day and good night.  
  
IN THE DISTANCE.  
  
Kerrigan: (chasing after Duke) GET BACK HERE YOU LITTLE WORM!!!!  
  
Duke: Huff, huff, huff, Must get. away.  
  
Kerrigan: (Slash)  
  
Duke: AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!! LITTLE DUKEY!!!!!!!  
  
Kerrigan: HA HA HA HA HA HA!  
  
Hyper Guyver: oooooooooooooooh. that's got to hurt. 


	7. Zeratul

Disclaimer: Who cares? If anyone is dumb enough to believe that I could own anything from blizzard other than the interview idea, then I hope they get what's coming to them.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hyper Guyver here. Yes, I have finally gotten around to writing another chapter to STARCRAFT INTERVIEWS. I know it's been a while, but I've just been having a little bit of writers block when it comes to interviewing Zeratul. Well... here goes nothing...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey! Welcome to another StarCraft Interview, I, Hyper Guyver am here to bring you another (hopefully) funny interview. And he here with us is the Protoss Dark templar himself ZERATUL!  
  
Zeratul: (crying)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh... Zeratul, why are you crying?  
  
Zeratul: (sniff) I... I... (Crying)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh for Christ sake just spit it out!  
  
Zeratul: (sniff) I... I... I MISS MY RASZAGAL!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (O_O) Uh... Okay...  
  
Zeratul: THAT BITCH KERRIGAN!!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON HER, I'M GOING TO-  
  
(Goes to commercial)  
  
Announcer: Still having problems with those pesky Zerg? A gauss rifle just not cutting it anymore? Well, now the people that gave you Tomigachis, Super Sun block SP 455, and the irritating High pitched ringer on cell phones is bringing you the new and improved ZERG BE GONE!  
  
Paid audience: Ooooooh, aaahhhhhhhh...  
  
Announcer: But don't take my for it, here's a test example...  
  
Caged Zerg: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Audience: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: (ahem) Uh, now first the test subject.  
  
Test subject: Hey man, there was a sign outside that said free donuts?  
  
Announcer: Absolutely! But first stand here...  
  
Test subject: Whatever... Say is that a zerg...  
  
Zerg: (Licks lips)  
  
Announcer: oh don't mind that... (Sprays Test subject with Zerg be gone)  
  
Test Subject: Hey what are you doing? OH MAN WHAT IS THAT GOD AWFUL SMELL?!  
  
Announcer: It also comes in Forest Pine and Lemon... (gets behind protective glass) Okay boys, let it rip!!!  
  
(Zerg Cage opens)  
  
Test subject: Man, this stuff better not stain my clothes... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Zerg: RRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!  
  
(Zerg attacks Test subject)  
  
Announcer: Uh... Okay, we still have some bugs to work out...  
  
Test subject: OH PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: But don't... Uh, let this impede the steadiness of our quality...  
  
Test subject: OH GOD!!! IT'S EATING MY SPLEEN!!!!!! OH LORD SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Announcer: uh... Anyways.. That's Zerg Be Gone! Just 59.99... plus tax.. Some side effects may include, nausea, constipation, headaches, uncontrollably urination, loss of hair, loss of teeth, loss of sight, loss of hearing, loss of taste, loss of smell, kidney failure, liver failure, severe cramping, back pain, skin cancer, lung cancer, sterility, lactation, heart burn, memory failure, burning sensation in the genitals, and death.  
  
Announcer: And if you act now we'll throw in a free travel bag. So call 1- 800-666-ZERG! And order yours today!  
  
Test Subject:...  
  
Zerg: (Munch, Munch)  
  
(Back to our regularly scheduled program)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, now that we got Zeratul settled down...  
  
Zeratul: (several tranquilizer darts stick out of his arm) uuuuoggggggghhhhh...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So Zeratul, how's life been since the ending of Brood war?  
  
Zeratul: uuuuugggggggggghhhhhhhheeeeeeeesssssssssss... (drooooooool)  
  
Hyper Guyver: I still don't see how they drool without a mouth... (ahem) Can I get an interpreter in here?  
  
Translator: Hey, I speak drugged out moron.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Perfect! Okay first question, how is life since the ending of brood war?  
  
Zeratul: (Translation) Not so great... It been forever since blizzards gotten around to working on a sequel to Star Craft and now they've got this STAR CRAFT: NOVA crap! A first person shooter!! I'm going to be out of work for at least another four years!! Now how the hell am I supposed to get myself out of debt?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Why are you in debt?  
  
Zeratul: (Translation) Um... I kind of have a bit of a gambling problem... I still owe Raynor five hundred bucks.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, okay...  
  
Zeratul: (Translation) Hey, Ten grand says I can take another five tranquilizers before passing out!  
  
Hyper Guyver: uh... No.  
  
Zerantul: (Translation) Damn...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh... So can I ask what your problem with Raszagal and Kerrigan is?  
  
Zerantul: (Translation) WWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! RASZAGAL!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, forget I asked...  
  
(Paladin burst into the room)  
  
Paladin: DIE ABOMINATIONS OF HELL!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey moron, wrong interview fic! You want "Interviews with the Devils!"  
  
Paladin: Oh... Heh, heh, sorry... (looks at Zeratul) DIE MONSTER!!! (Charges at Zeratul)  
  
Zeratul: (Sigh) (Uses psi blade and chops off Paladin's head)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Ewww...  
  
Zeratul: (Sigh) So where we?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wow, the Tranquilizers warn of already?  
  
Zeratul: (shrug)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well, uh... Well let me ask you-  
  
Artanis: (Knocking on the door) HEY HYPER GUYVER! I HEARD ZERATUL WAS HERE! CAN I COME IN?!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh crap... Uh Zeratul, you better-  
  
(Zeratul has seemingly "Disappeared")  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, okay... Well, I guess that's the end of that... Though I never got to ask him about his problem with Raszagal... Stay tuned next time when I interview... Ah screw it! I'll think of it later...  
  
(Hyper Guyver walks away)  
  
Artanis: (Knocking at the door) Hyper Guyver? Hhhhhheeeeelllllllloooooooooo... Anybody there? 


	8. Raszagal

Disclaimer: Hmmm... I wonder what would happen if I said I DID own Star Craft... Hmmmm...  
  
Blizzard Lawyers: (ahem)  
  
(sigh) Fine... Well, on with the interview... Well, after some serious consideration(actually I thought of it three minutes before I wrote this) I've have come to a decision on who to interview next. I, Hyper Guyver am going to interview... (You'll just have to read to find out) ~_o  
  
Well, I've been tallying up my reviews... Huh... 79 positive reviews, 1 flame... hmmm... Yeah, I think I can live with those odds.  
  
Well, onto the interview!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Welcome again, guys and gals to another episode of THE HYPER GUYVER INTERVIEWS!!  
  
(Crowd Cheers)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Thank you... Thank you...  
  
Sound Effects Guy: Hey dude, am I going to have to do this 'crowd cheer' thing all day?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Quite! Stay in the backroom and do what I paid you to do!  
  
Sound Effects Guy: Uh, you're not paying me.  
  
Hyper Guyver:...  
  
Sound Effects guy: Whatever... (goes to the backroom)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (ahem) Now, before I was so rudely interpreted, onto the interview! Today's guess, the Mistress of the Dark Templar herself, Raszagal!  
  
Raszagal: Hello.  
  
Hyper Guyver: So Raszagal how's it going?  
  
Raszagal: Pretty good, you know, since the Zerg have been burned from Shakurus, I'm pretty much just sitting back and enjoying the quite life.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, aren't you dead?  
  
Raszagal:... Oh yeah... heh... forgot about that...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (falls over anime style) HOW CAN YOU FORGET SOMETHING LIKE YOUR OWN DEATH?!!  
  
Raszagal: I don't know, I was still pretty doped up with Kerrigan's mind control drugs.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? I thought she used a parasites or something.  
  
Raszagal: Ew no! Do you really think I'd let her put one of those creepy crawlies in me?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: So instead you let her put mind control drugs in you?  
  
Raszagal: Uh... Looks that way...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Right... Well, next question, do you know what Zeratul's problem is?  
  
Raszagal: Oh yeah, poor baby... He still hasn't gotten over my whole 'death thing'  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hmmm... I see. But that still doesn't explain what you're doing here now.  
  
Raszagal: Well, the honest truth is... I just didn't want to be in the Star Craft sequel.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really? Why not?  
  
Raszagal: Well, for starters, I really didn't want to have to deal with that fan-boy freak Artanis for another six months of filming, and I really wasn't looking forward to competing with Kerrigan and those other bimbos.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh?  
  
Raszagal: I'm over a thousand years old! Do I really look like I can compete with a bunch of nubile twenty-six year olds... I'm too old for that crap.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Riiiiiiiight... Uh, but did anyone tell Zeratul you're not really dead?  
  
Raszagal:... Uh, oops? Heh...  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- Hooboy...  
  
Raszagal: I thought there was somebody missing from the cast meeting that day...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hm, that's interesting... (not) Hey! Why don't we call Zeratul and set up one of those tearjerker reunions! ^_^  
  
Raszagal: Um...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (pulls out cell phone and starts dialing...) Hello? Zeratul? Hey, come over to my house for a minute. Yeah, I got a surprise... Uh, no Artanis won't be here. Uh, no I'm not going to place bets on the Globe Trotter game... O_O NO! FENIX CANNOT COME WITH YOU! Anyways, I thought he was still in Italy... -_- They actually kicked him out?... No! He still can't come... Look! Just get your ass over here now!... For Pete sake, stop crying already!  
  
Over the phone: I miss my Raszagal!!!!!!! WWWHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raszagal: O_O  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) just get over here! (Hangs up phone) He should be here in a moment)  
  
In a moment...  
  
(Zeratul pops out of nowhere)  
  
Zeratul: This better be good Hyper Guyver, I was in the middle of building my alter to Raszagal!  
  
Raszagal: @_@  
  
Zeratul: (turns around) Oh hi Raszagal. (Turns back to Hyper Guyver) And another thing... @_@ (Turns back around again) RASZAGAL!!!!  
  
Raszagal: Hello Zeratul.  
  
Zeratul: (Hugs Raszagal in vice grip) I missed you!!! ^_^  
  
Raszagal: Gasp (sweat drop) Uh, its nice to see you too (gasp) Zeratul...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (with tissue) Its... SO BEAUTIFUL!!! (weeps)  
  
Raszagal: O_o Uh...  
  
Zeratul: Now we can run off and get married like we always dreamed!!! ^_^  
  
Raszagal: O_O What?!  
  
Zeratul: (Drags Raszagal out of the house)...We can have white doves at the wedding... ooohhh! And a little flower maid... And We'll invite all of our friends, all three thousand of them... ^_^  
  
Raszagal: (dragging fingers across the floor) But... Wha.. I...  
  
Zeratul: And we'll be together forever and ever, and ever... ^_^  
  
Raszagal: But... (Gets dragged out of the house and out of sight)  
  
Hyper Guyver: T_T It's so... Touching! (Weeps again)  
  
Couple minutes later...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (ahem) Well, that's the end of that interview. So I wish the happy couple to be a long and fruitful marriage...  
  
Raszagal: But...  
  
Hyper Guyver: And that concludes another episode of The Hyper Guyver Interviews! Stay tuned next time when I interview... (Looks through cards) O_O (Gulp) Artanis... God have mercy on us all...  
  
To be continued... 


	9. Artanis

Disclaimer: Well, seeming as you all know what a disclaimer is, I've decided to shake things up a bit, by reciting some Shakespeare! ^_^  
  
(Ahem) "All the worlds a stage, and all the men a women merely players. They have their Exits, and they have their entrances, and one man, in his lifetime plays many parts." -William Shakespeare  
  
^_^ That has absolutely nothing to do with this interview...O_O Speaking of Interviews, lets get on with this one!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello again, and welcome to the Hyper Guyver interviews. ^_^ YAY! With us today is... (stares at cue card)... No.. No.. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. (starts weeping)... It's... It's... IT'S ARTANIS! (Cries like a little girl)  
  
Artanis: BOOYAH! BABY!! WAZZUP!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O Oh. God. No...  
  
Artanis: Hey Hyper Guyver! How's it hanging!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, it's 'Hanging' nicely thank you very much.  
  
Artanis: Dat cool.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Artanis?  
  
Artanis: Word.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Um, are you feeling okay?  
  
Artanis: Wha? You kidding? I ain't never been betta!  
  
Hyper Guyver: There's something different about you... Something ominous..  
  
Artanis: Say Wha? Hey can we get on with this interview already? I gotta be chill'in with my home boys later.. Uh, as soon as I get me some home boys...  
  
Hyper Guyver: HOLY CRAP! You're acting ghetto!  
  
Artanis: Straight up!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (cries into his hands) Why God? Why must I always get the freaks?  
  
Artanis: Cuz, yous a fanfic writer.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh yeah...  
  
Artanis: So waz the first question?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh? Oh yeah... Uh... So... How did you feel about your role in Star Craft brood war?  
  
Artanis: Is tight.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Huh?  
  
Artanis: Is sick.  
  
Hyper Guyver: what?  
  
Artanis: It was Sweet.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Say wha?  
  
Artanis: -_- It. Was. Good.  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ Okay then. What did you think of it?  
  
Artanis: I dunno.. I was sorta tripp'in seeing as how it was such a small role an o'l...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So you kept tripping on the set?  
  
Artanis: What? No! I'm meant I was upset with how small the role was.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Well why didn't you just say so?  
  
Artanis: I did say so foo!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hey, you just sounded like Mr. T a second ago.  
  
Artanis: O_O Wha...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So what's with the whole acting ghetto thing?  
  
Artanis: Just getting back to my roots man...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, Artanis, I hate to break this to you, but you're not black... In fact you're not even human. You're a Protoss, with LITERALLY paper white skin.  
  
Artanis: Oh right...  
  
Hyper Guyver: I mean... If any REAL black guys saw you, you'd be getting a beat down right now-  
  
(Duran burst into the room looking pissed)  
  
Duran: Where's da fool who's runn'in around acting like he's all ghetto?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O (points at Artanis)  
  
Artanis: Er.. Uh, hello Duran... Uh... How's it hangin' Dawg?  
  
Duran: Oh you did not just talk to me like that!  
  
Artanis: O_O Eep!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Wait a minute! Duran, you're not really black!  
  
Duran: _ SAY WHAT?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Remember? You're some kind of strange alien thing.  
  
Duran: O_O Oh yeah...  
  
Artanis: (phew)  
  
Duran: But I'm still blacker than this fool!  
  
Artanis: Eep!  
  
(Duran proceeds to lay the woop ass down on Artanis)  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sigh) Just go to commercial...  
  
**  
  
Announcer: Hello folks! ^_^ Since our FDA approval on 'Zerg be Gone' was a bust... We'd now like to-  
  
Hyper Guyver: (burst in) Oh God! Not another one of these!  
  
Announcer: Huh?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, lets get one thing clear.. Zerg be Gone is crap! This stuff sucks! I mean for Christ sakes! Did you just mix toxic waste and lemon together hoping for the best?!  
  
Announcer: Hey! Who blabbed?!  
  
Hyper Guyver: WHAT?!  
  
Announcer: (Gulp) Er, I mean... Uh, whatever would uh, make you think that? Heh...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (narrows eyes)  
  
Announcer: Er.. Anywho.. We're here to show off our latest product... The SCUV!  
  
Hyper Guyver: An SCV? What's so great about that?  
  
Announcer: Not SCV, an SCUV! ^_^  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- What in the hell are you talking about?  
  
Announcer: Well... people love SUVs.. And we really wanted to boost the popularity of SCVs.. So we just put the two together! ^_^  
  
Hyper Guyver: Um, and what exactly was the end result?  
  
Announcer: This! (Unveils SCUV)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Good Lord! That is by far the ugliest concoction of metal I've ever seen!  
  
Announcer: Er... Say what now?  
  
Hyper Guyver: I've never seen something so badly designed! It's the stupidest thing I've ever seen!  
  
Announcer: Hey now! Don't judge just by looks!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Sigh) your right... So what kind of mileage does it get?  
  
Announcer: zero on highway, negative three in city.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Uh, SCVs don't go on the highway.  
  
Announcer:... Oh, heh, forgot about that..  
  
Hyper Guyver: (muttering) Can you even get negative mileage?  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- So does it build faster?  
  
Announcer: Well, actually no.. If anything it's slower.  
  
Hyper Guyver: What?! Why?!  
  
Announcer: Well, it has a lot of extra mass to move around you know... you know the saying... Bigger is better, right?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (mumbles) Moron... So does it come with enhanced hydraulics so it can lift more?  
  
Announcer: Why yes it does!  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^  
  
Announcer: It was needed to move the unit's extra mass.  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- Excuse me, can I make one quick phone call?  
  
Announcer: uh, okay...  
  
Hyper Guyver: (pulls out phone and dials number)... Hey, it's me. Yeah, I need three of them. Preferably? Large, hungry and ill-tempered. Thanks... -_- NO! I don't know where Raynor is! No I don't want to come over! Why don't you call Fenix! Jeeze... BYE!! (hangs up)  
  
Announcer: Uh, who was that?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Just an associate. (looking all innocent)  
  
Announcer: So... Are you looking into buying one of these bad boys?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (looks at his watch) Oh! Would you look at the time! I better be getting back to my show now... (Runs off) Have fun and play nice!  
  
Announcer: Play nice? Huh?  
  
Hyper Guyver: (still running away) I wasn't talking to you!  
  
Announcer: O_o (turns around to face three hungry looking Hydralisks) uh oh...  
  
Hyper Guyver: See ya in the digestive track buddy! (Laughs manically)  
  
Hydralisks: Rwwaah..  
  
Announcer: (gulp) So... Any of you gents i-interested in purchasing a-an SCUV?  
  
Hydralisks: Rwah?  
  
**  
  
Hyper Guyver: Okay, now that were back and things have settled out...  
  
Artanis: (Ouch...)  
  
Duran: Well, I'll be back later if this fool gives you any more trouble.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Straight up! (Gives props to Duran)  
  
Duran: (props) Right, see ya!  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ Okay then. So... Artanis, how are you feeling?  
  
Artanis: (groan) I think I landed on my keys...  
  
Hyper Guyver: Aw-poor-baby. So, next question. Do you have any future plans for Star Craft?  
  
Artanis: Er, yeah, I do. At first those blizzard B-atches weren't gonna let me be in the next game.  
  
Hyper Guyver: Er, so what happened?  
  
Artanis: Heh, heh, I showed dem foo's..  
  
Hyper Guyver: You're sounding like Mr. T again.  
  
Artanis: SHUT UP!! Anyways, I showed them...  
  
Hyper Guyver: What'd you do?  
  
Artanis: I camped out in front of their homes for three months.  
  
Hyper Guyver: (Falls over) Uh, isn't that illegal?  
  
Artanis:.. Uh, it COULD be... But anyways, I camped out in front of them fools houses, and they gave in after the fifth arrest.  
  
Hyper Guyver: YOU GOT THEM ARRESTED?!!  
  
Artanis: Uh, actually I got arrested... Heh, they thought I had sort of a street credit with all the times I've been in jail after they got me arrested for trespassing. So they came up with a sort of "Bad boy" role for me in the next game...  
  
Hyper Guyver: So THAT explains the whole ghetto thing... Huh... what'da know...  
  
Artanis: Straight up, and I'm digg'in it.  
  
Hyper Guyver: "Digg'in it?"  
  
Artanis: Too seventies?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Oh yeah... You think you could stop now; it's kind of annoying.  
  
Artanis: Well, I don't care! Acting ghetto makes me cool!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_O Uh, I would say THAT...  
  
Artanis: Well, I don't care! Nothing will make me stop acting ghetto!  
  
Hyper Guyver: Really now? (Pulls out cell phone and dials.)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Hello? Hey, it's me. Yeah, I need a favor, could you come right over? Yeah, it's important. Thanks! (Hangs up)  
  
Artanis: Who's da?  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ Nobody.  
  
Artanis: (gulp) You didn't call Duran again... did you?  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ Nope.  
  
Artanis: (phew)  
  
(Door bell rings)  
  
Artanis: EEK!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: O_o Jeese, it's just the door.  
  
Artanis: hmph... I knew that!  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_- (opens door)  
  
Tassadar: Hey Hyper Guyver. You needed something?  
  
Artanis: ERK!  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ Have a seat Tassadar.  
  
Tassadar: Thanks, you said you need something? (Notices Artanis) AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!  
  
Artanis: (Erk!) H-hello (Ack) Tassadar... H-how are (ugh) you?  
  
Tassadar: O_O Er, fine... (Turns to Hyper Guyver) What the hell, he's not clawing on me in his usual fanboy mode...  
  
Hyper Guyver: He's trying to act all tough and ghetto.  
  
Tassadar: So am I safe?  
  
Hyper Guyver: Until he can't take the fanboy pressure anymore.  
  
Tassadar: Hmmm... Interesting... So, Artanis, what have you been up to lately?  
  
Artanis: (Ack) I'm been (Groan) doing... (UGH!) o..k..a..y...  
  
Tassadar: @_@ Oh God, he's about ready to pop!  
  
Hyper Guyver: ^_^ This is going to be so cool!!!  
  
Artanis: Can't... Take... Much... More!  
  
Tassadar: ... Hello.  
  
Artanis: ACK!!!! (Load popping sound) OH MIGHTY TASSADAR!!!!!!!  
  
Tassadar: O_O  
  
Artanis: OH PLEASE OH GREAT TASSADAR!!! SIGN MY UNDERWEAR!!!!!! (Reaches into pants and rips out underwear with a loud ripping sound)  
  
Hyper Guyver: @_@ That's gotta hurt...  
  
Tassadar: Holy shit! I'm getting the hell out of here!!  
  
Artanis: (in high pitch squeaky voice) Or sign my chest!!!! (Opens up shirt revealing an assortment of gold chains and other such jewelry)  
  
Hyper Guyver: More stuff for the ghetto look?  
  
Artanis: Heh, I bought it from the Mr. T collection, heh, got it on sale..  
  
Hyper Guyver: -_-  
  
Tassadar: Well, my work here is done... (Runs out the back door)  
  
Artanis: OH GREAT TASSADAR!!!! COME BACK!!!! YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED MY UNDERWEAR YET!!!! (Chases after Tassadar)  
  
Hyper Guyver: Um, well, I guess that's that folks, Heh, stay tune until next time when I interview the Cerebrate... Er, Zaas... Yeah, that's his (er, "It's" name...) Well, until next time, good day and good night.  
  
Artanis: Please!!! Just sign them once!!!! (Running after Tassadar with pair of Chibi Zerg boxers)  
  
Tassadar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hyper Guyver: (sweat drop) 


	10. Zaas

Disclaimer: To own Star Craft? Or not to own Star Craft? THAT is the question… (Blizzard Lawyer taps his foot impatiently) Er, and a VERY easy question to answer… eh, heh… No, I DON'T own Star Craft. (Lawyer walks away pleased) phew…

(Ahem) Anyways, on to our interview!

**Hyper Guyver**: Hey, all my loyal fans out there!

**Fans**: (unenthusiastic) yay…

**Hyper Guyver**: (AHEM!) I said… Hey all my loyal fans out there! (Points to shock collar remote)

**Fans**: (gulp) Er, YAY!

**Hyper Guyver**: Better….. Well, I'm sorry to say that I've been very busy for a freaking long time. So, back when I was doing the Artanis interview I foresaw this and I've had one of my loyal employees go out and search through the archives to find a previous interview that I had done a long time ago that was never aired. In fact I think it was shortly after my interview with Kerrigan… Well, anyways I didn't air it because of uh… technical difficulties…

**Random Intern**: Technical difficulties? You had me go all the way to Aiur to find the corpse of the cameraman you left for dead there just so you could get the footage! I almost died!

**Hyper Guyver**: … Just role the film.

Screen buzzes and then cuts to Hyper Guyver standing outside. Surrounded by what looks like a bunch of Zerg constructs. Zerg are running around everywhere.

* * *

**Hyper Guyver**: We on? (Ahem) Greetings! Welcome to the Hyper Guyver Interviews. I'm your host Hyper Guyver! Today we are on location on Aiur as an invading Zerg force is attempting to invade the planet.

**Camera Man's Voice**: Is it safe for us to be here?

**Hyper Guyver**: Quiet you! (Ahem) With us today is the head of this monstrous invading force, the Zerg cerebrate, Zaas. How are you today Zaas?

Camera pans over to show the hideous pulsating Zerg… Thingy.

**Zaas**: (pulsating.)

**Hyper Guyver**: … Zaas?

**Zaas**: …

**Hyper Guyver**: Yo! Slug Face! Damnit… I think it isn't Zaas… Probably just a giant pulsating Zerg turd or something…

**Zaas**: What do you want?

**Hyper Guyver**: Holy Crap! A talking Zerg turd!

**Zaas**: I am not a turd!

**Hyper Guyver**: You sure about that?

Several Hydalisks pop out of the ground.

**Hyper Guyver**: Okay, I stand corrected.

**Zaas**: What do you want you miserable ant?

**Hyper Guyver**: Uh, we had an interview scheduled.

**Zaas**: Can't you see I'm busy taking over a planet?

**Hyper Guyver**: Looks more like your just laying there. Like a giant turd…

Hydralisk pop out again.

**Hyper Guyver**: Sorry!

**Zaas**: Fine…. Make it quick?

**Hyper Guyver**: So how long have you been with the Star Craft Project?

**Zaas**: Since the conception stage. I was even in the beginning of the game; I was in control of the force invading Mars Sara.

**Hyper Guyver**: Really, so what did you do in the game before filming began?

**Zaas**: I was an intern carting around donuts to blizzard employees.

**Hyper Guyver**: … Uh… Like that? (Points to Zaas's body)

**Zaas**: Yes. Why do you ask?

**Hyper Guyver**: Aren't you too much of a giant hideous brain slug to be carting donuts down narrow office halls?

**Zaas**: I managed.

**Hyper Guyver**: I see… And the Blizzard guys just picked you from there to be in Star Craft?

**Zaas**: Yes. Though originally I was going to play someone else's role.

**Hyper Guyver**: Really? Who?

**Zaas**: I was originally going to play Jim Raynor's role.

**Hyper Guyver**: … What?

**Zaas**: Yes, the head director of the project said I had a certain 'look.'

**Hyper Guyver**: Was this director by any chance blind and having absolutely no sense of smell?

**Zaas**: No! And why would smell play into anything!

**Hyper Guyver**: Dude, there's more than one reason why we thought you were a giant Zerg turd.

**Zaas**: Of all the… Oh… hold on one moment. I must command a legion of my minions to wipe out a group of protoss defenders….

**Hyper Guyver**: So is it a lot of work trying to control an entire brood?

**Zaas**: Yes… But I manage. I tend to keep things in control through a hierarchy.

**Hyper Guyver**: Oh, like lieutenants, and generals and stuff like that?

**Zaas**: More like, who's big, who's small, and who's edible.

**Hyper Guyver**: Ooookay….

**Zaas**: Hmmm… These Protoss are more troublesome than I first predicted.

**Hyper Guyver**: Uh, getting back to business… (Ahem) So is it true what I've heard about you cerebrates not being able to die?

**Zaas**: Yes… When our physical bodies are destroyed, the hive mind rejuvenates us new ones and places us back into our own from. We are… **Immortal**.

**Hyper Guyver**: … Going for the 'dramatic pause' at the end?

**Zaas**: Was it well timed?

**Hyper Guyver**: I'd give it an eight. So you guys can't be killed. Must be a bitch for your enemies.

**Zaas**: Yes, we are unstoppable.

**Hidden voice**: I wouldn't say that.

**Hyper Guyver**: Huh!

Several Protoss in shabby black robes appear out of nowhere.

**Shabby looking Protoss**: Greetings.

**Hyper Guyver**: Holy crap! Who the hell are you!

**Shabby Protoss**: I am a Protoss Dark Templar.

**Hyper Guyver**: (Ahem) And your name if I may ask.

**Dark Templar**: You may. I am the leader of the 12th Advance attack force of the Shakurus Dark Templar Warriors. My name… is Frank.

**Hyper Guyver**: … Frank?

**Frank**: Yes… Frank.

**Hyper Guyver**: That doesn't sound like a very Protossy name…

**Frank**: Yes… For you see, I was not raised by Protoss parents.

**Hyper Guyver**: Oh! With a name like Frank you must have been raise by hum-

**Frank**: Yes, I was indeed raised by Aiurian wolves.

**Hyper Guyver**:… Aiurian… Wolves?

**Frank**: Yes, it was a hard life, but they loved me as if I were their own, and I stayed with them until I was found by traveling Dark Templar and raised up in normal society.

**Hyper Guyver**: Wow… and these… Wolves… They named you 'Frank.'

**Frank**: Indeed.

**Hyper Guyver**: …

**Cameraman's voice:** Dude… this is getting a little weird for me now.

**Hyper Guyver**: Shut up! I don't pay you for your opinion!

**Cameraman's voice**: But you don't pay me! I'm an intern!

**Hyper Guyver**: Whatever… (Turns back to Frank) So what brings you guys out here?

**Frank**: We are here to slay the cerebrate.

**Zaas**: WHAT!

**Hyper Guyver**: Oh, Zaas… Heh, kind of forgot about you for a second there…

**Frank**: Yes, we are here to slay this filth and cleanse the world of Aiur!

**Zaas**: Never! You puny creatures cannot defeat me! I am immortal.

**Frank**: I am Frank Thompson of the Protoss Dark Templar! Given orders directly from Zeratul himself! I shall destroy you!

**Hyper Guyver**: Wait… Your last name is Thompson?

**Frank**: Yes.

**Hyper Guyver**: The wolves…?

**Frank**: Yes.

**Hyper Guyver:** Wow, this planet has some weird wolves…

**Frank**: My brothers! Take arms! Slay the monstrosity!

All the Dark Templar activate their energy blades and attack the cerebrate.

**Hyper Guyver**: Wait! I have at least one more question!

**Frank**: (Slashing and hacking) Better make it quick…

**Hyper Guyver**: So Zaas, what are your plans after Star Craft? I hear there are plans for a 'Brood War?' Think you'll be around for that?

**Zaas**: AAAAHHHH! THESE TEMPLAR BLADES! THEY ARE NOT NORMAL! THE HIVE MIND! I CAN'T… AAHHHHHHHH!

**Hyper Guyver**: Zaas?

Zaas: MY CONNECTION! THE HIVE MIND! I CAN'T FEEL IT! I'M DYING!

**Hyper Guyver**: So I take it that's a 'no' on the Brood War thing?

**Zaas**: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

Zaas explodes in gory mess of flesh and blood.

**Hyper Guyver**: (completely covered in goop) … Eeeeeeeewwwwwww…

**Frank**: Our work is done here…

The Zerg all around start going berserk.

**Hyper Guyver**: (Gulp) Uh, I think killing the cerebrate while being stuck in the middle of their hive was a bad thing.

**Frank**: Indeed… Well, farewell strange humans…

**Hyper Guyver**: Wait! Help us out of here-

The Dark Templar disappeared.

**Hyper Guyver**: … Oh crap.

Zerg start rampaging everywhere.

**Hyper Guyver**: Run for it!

Hyper Guyver is seen running for his life. The camera bumps up and down as the Cameraman follows.

**Cameraman's voice**: Wait for me! Hold on!

**Hyper Guyver**: Everyone man for himself loser!

There is a loud 'oof" and the camera view quickly hits the ground.

**Cameraman's voice**: AAAAAHHHH! HELP ME! HEEEEELP MEEEEE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Film footage cuts off.

* * *

Back to Hyper Guyver in studio.

**Hyper Guyver**: … Uh… Maybe we should have cut out that last part at the end.

**Random Intern**: (Sarcastically) I'll make a note of it.

**Hyper Guyver**: Er… Well folks… That's another episode of Hyper Guyver Interviews. Thank you for watching and stay tuned next time when I'll be interviewing…(Is handed a cue card and reads it) (Eyes Bug out) Oh no… No, no… NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Random Intern**: (Picks up the cue card and reads it) Wow… No wonders he's freaking out… We're going to need Kevlar… Lot's and lots of Kevlar…. And maybe a couple Siege Tanks…


End file.
